


It's Baekhyun, Not Boeun

by baeconandeggs



Category: EXO (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 12:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3936973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's always been a <i>he</i>, not a <i>she</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Baekhyun, Not Boeun

**Author's Note:**

> Dear recipient, I really hope you like this. I hope this will live up to your expectation...at least a little bit? And special, special thanks to CG for helping me with the fanfic. I really owe you a lot. SARANGHAE.

Boeun hated what she saw in the mirror. She hated how her features looked too delicate; all curves with little edges. She didn’t like her long hair because it made her look so feminine. _Why does long hair have to be a feminine thing, anyway? Now everyone thinks having long hair equals girls._ At times she felt as if she was a guy wearing a wig and living a goddamn lie; a life where people saw her as a girl. Now it was worse because she looked like a natural looking girl. _A very pretty girl. But this is not who I want to be._ She’d rather look like a rough guy and not having to be mistaken as a girl than being how she was then. _All this ‘beauty’. I don’t need it._

She loathed her petite body. It was harder for her to pass for a guy because of it. Even if she started growing a moustache, she would still look like an actress playing as a male character. The audience could always tell that she was a girl. Especially because of her above average chest size. Out of all the girls who wanted to have bigger breasts, why was she the one gifted with them? She didn’t want it. She wanted it on her partner, _maybe_ , or maybe she didn’t want it at all?

Her gender dysphoria got worse every time she was aware of her assigned gender. To put it bluntly, she hated herself more every time she was aware of her female genitalia. She wanted a friend down there to always keep her company and awaken when she saw a pretty girl. _Or a guy with a nice butt._ She still wasn’t sure of her sexuality. After all, sexuality and gender are two different things.

Don’t even get her started with her waistline and her hips. They’re perfect for bearing children but she wouldn’t need it because she was a _guy_. People might be confused as to why she thought she was a guy. She was born with wonderful girl parts and they thought she was just being weird for disregarding them. Her true gender was revealed to her when she was only 6 years old. She saw her guy friends; they never had to wear frilly dresses or a bow on their hair. She envied them so much. She wanted to look like them, but why did she look like a girl? She thought when she got older, she would grow out of her girl body. She assumed that soon she’d look like a person she had always wanted to be; like a caterpillar growing into a beautiful butterfly. She was sure by then her internal struggle was coming to a definite end.

But of course she was wrong and she grew up to be this… _girl_. That was why every time she went out, she would always wear something loose and cover _them_ again with an oversized hoodie because she didn’t want people to see what was hidden underneath. She would always tie her hair; her parents didn’t give her permission to cut it. She often got into fights with her parents because of that. She wanted her hair short and trimmed like her brother Baekbeom; but of course, like her parents said, “ _Girls can’t have short hair unless they are lesbians_.”

She thought that was stupid, and it was, but who was she to defy her own parents? She could not and would never dare to do that. So she kept her thoughts to herself and let nobody knew. Even in high school when she had started making friends with girls she could not express herself freely; they tried to change her just like her parents did. They would introduce her to random hot guys. But the whole matchmaking thing had never worked out because even the guys asked her, “Why aren’t you feminine like your friends?”. She slowly detached herself from them, from everyone, and she became a lonely loner since then. It was hard for her to start making friends again. People never gave her the comfort she needed to be okay with being herself. She decided that it would be better for her to be alone than to be surrounded by people who would not accept her for who she truly was.

One time, she caught a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror and she almost wanted to end her life. To everyone else, her boobs were a sight to behold. Although to her, the lumps on her chest stuck out like giant cancer tumors. She wanted it gone immediately. She knew she wasn’t in the body she belonged in. She wasn’t who she wanted to be. Her soul cursed whoever decided that putting her in a female body was the right thing to do. She felt ever so trapped in a body that felt so foreign to her. Living in it for years didn’t help her adjust with it at all. If anything, her waist got thinner and her breasts got larger as she drew nearer to the end of puberty.

She took one deep breath; she looked at herself in the mirror one more time before she picked up a scissor and brought it close to her hair. But before she proceeded to cut a lock of her hair, she hesitated. She wasn’t sure whether or not she was ready to come out to her family and face society’s judgment. For some people, cutting their hair was not that big of a deal. For her, it was a statement. A visible declaration that she was no longer Boeun; she was reborn into someone new—Baekhyun.

“Goodbye, Boeun,” she whispered to herself. The scissors pierced her hair and one by one, clumps of her hair dropped swiftly to the tiled bathroom floor.

 

Baekhyun heard a sudden noise of rapping against wood. Everything around him had been so quiet. He anxiously looked around his room to find the source of the abrupt noise. __

__“Baekhyun? Is it okay if I come in?” asked Baekhyun’s brother, Baekbeom, from behind his bedroom door.

“Oh, it’s you. Yes, come in,” Baekhyun took a deep breath. He shut his laptop closed. He had been browsing for a better binder. His was a bit worn-out. It had been almost a year since his transition, but his support system was so close to nonexistent that he didn’t dare to go further just yet. He needed more time to decide how far he wanted to transition.

“Am I interrupting something?” asked Baekbeom. He sat on Baekhyun’s bed. He noticed Baekhyun didn’t bind when he was in his room alone; he kept his gaze fixated on Baekhyun’s eyes. He didn’t want to distress him by noticing his unbound chest. A single acknowledgement of Baekhyun’s previous life would crush him.

“No, I wasn’t doing anything in particular,” said Baekhyun dismissively, “What’s up? You want to borrow my hair dryer again? I thought I told you to buy one for yourself, Baekbeom.”

Baekbeom waved him off, “No. I was just wondering what my little brother was up to.”

Baekhyun looked at him skeptically, “Why the sudden interest, big brother?”

“I’ll be in town for a couple more days and I thought I want to spend more time with you. We haven’t really been talking to each other lately.”

“Um, we have been with each other constantly since you’ve arrived from Japan.”

“With the whole family. I mean, only the both of us. Come on, get dressed. I’m taking you to a fancy restaurant for lunch.”

“Cool. Free meal,” said Baekhyun with mock enthusiasm.

“If you keep that up, you’re going to have to pay for your own meal.”

Baekhyun laughed, “You wouldn’t dare. I’ll tell mom.”

“Try me,” said Baekbeom. His face was dead serious. Baekhyun dropped his smile.

“Okay, fine. Today I’m going to be the nicest little brother you’ve ever had,” said Baekhyun.

“You have 10 minutes to change. Dress smart, okay?” said Baekbeom. He stood up and went downstairs. When Baekhyun was Boeun, he gave her 5 minutes to change. Baekbeom knew Boeun had no interest in fashion; she usually put on hoodies or huge sweaters anyways. But now that he was Baekhyun, he needed more time to get ready. Baekbeom didn’t need to hear Baekhyun’s spoken gratitude. He knew Baekhyun had thanked his brother inwardly from time to time in tight situations. In the past, their mother forced Baekhyun to put lipstick on; Baekbeom said it didn’t suit him and that their mother should let him decide for himself what he wanted. She didn’t listen to him; she practically raped Baekhyun’s lips with her shocking pink lipstick. Baekhyun let her put the colored substance on his lips. Tears started rolling down his cheeks. ‘Stop it, Boeun. It’s _just_ lipstick. It’s what women like to put on. So keep still and wipe those tears. You’re going to ruin this mascara I’m going to put on your beautiful eyelashes,’ their mother said. More tears came out and Baekhyun sobbed. He repeatedly asked his mother to stop. Baekbeom couldn’t bear to just witness it and do nothing. He took the lipstick from her hand and threw it across the room. ‘Mother, stop. Don’t you see your son doesn’t want to wear makeup?’ said Baekbeom. Their mother was flabbergasted by Baekbeom’s behavior. She was at a loss for words. Baekhyun didn’t come along with his family to the family gathering that day. He was too traumatized after having to wipe the makeup off his face. He looked gruesomely girlier than he had ever been in his life and he was back to feeling like Boeun all over again. Their mother still refused to call him Baekhyun or acknowledge that her son was a man at all. She continued calling him Boeun as if nothing had happened. Baekbeom was Baekhyun’s only hope to survive as long as he still lived with his parents. Even when Baekbeom left the country for his studies, he never stopped contacting his little brother.

Baekhyun searched for his most decent binder in his drawers. He rummaged through his underwear drawer, socks drawer, underneath a pile of t-shirts, under his bed, his school bag. _Fuck. Where did I put it?_ Nine minutes had passed; his room was more catastrophic than Titanic’s ship wreckage. He still hadn’t found his binder. Cold sweat was forming all over his body.

“Baekbeom, have you seen my binder?” He called from upstairs in panic. He didn’t care anymore whether his mother heard him or not. He just wanted his binder back.

“No, I haven’t. But we’re not in a hurry, so just take your time,” replied Baekbeom apologetically from downstairs. Baekhyun cursed under his breath. He didn’t want to keep Baekbeom waiting. The last thing he wanted to do was make the person he cared for most in the world wait for him to find his stupid binder. He knew without his binder, his gender dysphoria would come back again. But he decided to toughen himself up. _Dress smart, but I can’t wear a button up shirt. The demons will stick out like street cones._ Baekhyun grimaced at the image of street cones as his boobs. He felt nauseous. _Get yourself together. Baekbeom is counting on you to dress smart._ He picked out an oversized sweater and jeans. The only thing left he could do was pack his trunks with a sock. _This will do._ With the help of the tightest sports bra he had, he descended the stairs to the living room. Baekbeom’s mouth was almost agape when he saw his brother didn’t use his binder. Despite the size of the sweater, Baekhyun’s large chest was barely obscured by the spacious garment and sports bra. Baekbeom kept his expression even.

“Mom, we’re going out for a while now,” said Baekbeom. Mrs. Byun merely grunted and continued to watch TV absentmindedly. They knew she wasn’t even paying attention to what she was watching.

The car ride to the restaurant didn’t spark a conversation between them. Baekbeom didn’t know what to say. He’d rather not say anything than speak and slip up something that would remind Baekhyun of his binder. So he silently drove on. They arrived 20 minutes later in front of Lotte Hotel. Baekbeom rolled down his windshield and beckoned to a man with a fancy black suit.

“Is there valet parking here?” asked Baekbeom.

“Most certainly, sir. It’s my job after all,” he smiled hospitably.

“Great,” said Baekbeom, “Let’s go, Baekhyun.”

They both exited the car.

“Lotte Hotel? Why—“

“Just hush.”

The colossal hotel intimidated Baekhyun. _This is one big hotel. Other hotels are big, but this one is particularly big._ The ambience inside was unnerving; the colors of the furniture were mostly dark and the lighting was dim. Baekbeom led him to a lift and they both got on. The sounds of their footsteps echoed on the way _._ The lift opened; it was empty. Baekbeom pressed the level 35 button. _What’s on level 35?_ After what felt like hours, the lift finally opened at level 35.

“Ta-da!” exclaimed Baekbeom.

Baekhyun couldn’t even read the name of the restaurant. It was unrecognizable in cursive writing. He assumed the restaurant was French. They entered the restaurant through a door that was held opened by a butler.

“Welcome to Pierre Gagnaire à Séoul,” he smiled as they walked passed him. They smiled politely. 

Baekhyun almost fainted. The place was starkly golden. He wouldn’t be surprised if the walls even up to the ceiling were made of real gold. _I’ve died and gone to El Dorado._ The tables were white-clothed adorned with white roses, wine glasses, shining silverwares, and candles with golden wax _._ There were so many chandeliers; the wall lamps had bronze handles to match them.

“Right this way, sir and madam,” a female butler ushered them to an empty table.

“Actually, we’re both sirs,” Baekbeom corrected her.

“My sincerest apologies,” she bowed.

“It’s okay,” said Baekhyun hurriedly. The table next to them was staring at them. A woman in a glittering blue dress complemented with a pair of ornate diamond earrings audibly whispered to a man sitting next to her, “Isn’t she a woman, darling?” Baekhyun’s face grew as red as a baboon’s butt. The man, Baekhyun assumed was her husband, shook his head. _Please say something nice._ Baekhyun silently prayed. The man replied to her, “No, no,” Baekhyun heaved a sigh and relief washed over him. But it went away as quickly as it came when the man went on, “I think he’s a tranny who got cheap implants in a slum somewhere.” The woman let out a hearty laugh while palpably eyeing Baekhyun. His first impression on the ‘nice looking lady’ went downhill. He wanted to wrestle her then and there. But Baekbeom’s voice disrupted his course of action.

“Is there another table far away from this one?” asked Baekbeom through gritted teeth.

“Yes, please, come with me,” said the butler. They followed her to a table by the window.

“This is perfect! We can see the view from here!” said Baekbeom. Baekhyun agreed. He could see the Bukhan Mountain and downtown Seoul from the table. The butler pulled their chairs out for them and they sat down comfortably across each other.

Baekhyun didn’t know what to order. He wasn’t familiar with any of the dish. Even though all of them are explained in English, he still had trouble picking out something that appealed to him. The ‘cheapest’ option was 85,000 won ($78.59). He stared blankly at the menu. He didn’t dare to pick any of them, or even ask how Baekbeom could afford dining there. He kept quiet. Baekbeom had put his menu down and Baekhyun burried his face deeper in the menu in hope that Baekbeom wouldn’t sense his confusion. Baekbeom did anyway.

“Don’t worry. I know you don’t like spicy food so I’m going to order _The Land_ for you and _The Sea_ for me. Oui?”

Baekhyun nodded.

“What do you want to drink?”

“I want water,” said Baekhyun. He didn’t even know which section was ‘beverages’.

“Me too, then.”

Once Baekhyun put his menu down, a waitress appeared before them. _That was fast._

“Are you ready to order?”

“Yes. We’d like _La terre_ and _La mer_ , please. And two bottles of mineral water.”

“Would you like 3 or 4 courses for each meal?”

“Three, please.”

“Would you like to try our selection of wine?”

“No, thank you.”

The waitress bowed and left.

“So,” said Baekbeom. He searched for something to say. Discussing Baekhyun’s personal life wasn’t like talking about the weather.

“Yes?” Baekhyun waited.

“How’s…university so far?” Baekbeom decided to keep the conversation light.

“Uneventful. How’s yours?”

“Well, there was this one time… I almost failed to pass this class…”

“Baekbeom,” Baekhyun looked at his brother with exasperation, “Don’t tell me you partied to hard the night before an exam _again_?”

“Yeah… Sorry about that,” Baekbeom laughed nervously.

“If you don’t take your studies seriously, mom and dad are going to serve your butt on a plate. At least one of us has to be on their good side,” Baekhyun muttered the last sentence.

“I’ll try. Hey, I’m not all bad, you know. I have a part time job and I’ve been saving up for this,” he gestured to the restaurant, “And…that wasn’t the only interesting thing that happened…”

Baekhyun pouted at Baekbeom. _It would be ‘interesting’ if you don’t graduate. Then mom and dad would disown the both of us. The only reason she’s keeping me is because of you._ Baekhyun wanted to say that, but it wouldn’t have done them any good. So instead he raised his eyebrow. Baekbeom took that as a ‘go on’.

“I met someone. A girl.”

Baekhyun’s eyebrows shot up. _A girl?_

__Baekbeom continued, “We met in the university. I’ve been giving her ‘the look’. She got the message and she asked me out herself.”

‘The look’ Baekbeom was referring to was a thing he did to make girls swoon over him. It happened when he looked at a girl longingly and locked eyes with her. Baekhyun had never understood it, but ‘the look’ worked like magic. As if Baekbeom could communicate solely with his deep brown eyes. Along with his dashing good looks and silky brunette hair, he won every girl he was interested in.

“She was the one who asked you out first?”

“Yeah, I teased her with ‘the look’ so bad that she couldn’t keep her panties from dropping. She didn’t bother waiting for me to make the move,” he said with a maniacal laugh. Baekhyun rolled his eyes jokingly.

“Poor girl. Are you going to play her like you did with her other predecessors?”

“I don’t _play_ girls. I think this one’s a keeper. We’ve been together for 2 months now. The longest I’ve ever been with a girl! She’s great,” then he whispered, “in bed.”

Baekhyun laughed, “You jerk.”

Baekbeom made a silly face and Baekhyun responded with an even sillier face. The waitress came and their laughter seized. She served their water into the wine glasses.

“Wow. Drinking water from wine glass. I propose a toast to your current relationship, for the girl’s sake. To…what’s her name?”

“Natsumi.”

“To Natsumi!”

They toasted to their good health and snickered. The Bukhan Mountain was such a view that they stared at it for a while and were drowned in their own thoughts. _You know… That mountain reminds me of something…_ Baekhyun took a deep breath and stopped mid-intake. His chest brushed against the fabric. _No._ He uncomfortably pulled his sweater and adjusted it so it would leave some space between the cashmere and the stubbornly protruding mountains underneath it. Baekbeom noticed his brother’s sudden ashen expression; he cleared his throat and spoke.

“How about you? Found anyone yet?

Baekhyun paused before responding, “No.”

“Should I expect to see you with a girl or…another guy?”

He hadn’t really given much thought about his sexuality. His gender dysphoria made sure he was only to worry about it and nothing else.

“I…I think you shouldn’t expect anything. I don’t know what to expect myself.”

“You should go out more, you know? Like to bars. Or _gay_ bars.”

“Are you asking me too hook up?” asked Baekhyun with uncertainty.

“Well. Yes,” replied Baekbeom. Baekhyun looked for a sign of humor in his brother’s eyes. He found none. His throat went dry.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” said Baekhyun. His voice was like a whisper. The thought of someone’s penis entering his vagina sickened him. Anything to do with vaginal pleasure was not Baekhyun’s area of expertise. He hadn’t touched himself in that way even once in his life. Even a sight of _it_ being a part of his body repulsed him. He started to wonder whether or not he was even capable of being attracted to femininity. __

__Baekbeom smiled his warm smile, “Baekhyun, whoever your partner is going to be, I’ll always support you.”

“I know,” replied Baekhyun earnestly.

The waitress startled them when she arrived with their orders.

“ _La terre et La mer. Bon appétit_ ,” said the waitress. They each received three servings of pricey French food from three different butlers. Baekbeom thanked them. They bowed and left. Baekhyun took his first bite of French cuisine and at that moment, he had momentarily forgotten about his chest or his down south. Baekbeom sensed his brother’s delight when he was eating his appetizer. He was glad he worked more shifts before summer break so he could spend some good quality time with his brother. They both felt content the whole time they were eating and talking; until Baekbeom received the check. He had to reassure himself that nothing was more important than making his brother happy. He took one last look at Baekhyun. He was in a way better mood than when they had arrived earlier. He said a silent good bye to his 250,000 won ($231.13). Baekhyun laughed at Baekbeom’s constipated expression. They both went home with empty pockets, but the smile displayed on Baekhyun’s face was priceless.

“Thanks for today. I had a wonderful time,” thanked Baekhyun.

“Oh, I know you did,” said Baekbeom with a wink.

Baekhyun went back to his room and continued the search for his binder. He spent an hour looking through everything he had already gone through before taking off with Baekbeom. Once again, his search was fruitless. He had kept his bedroom door open. Mrs. Byun passed by to retire to her room and stopped dead in her tracks.

“Boeun. What is all this mess?” she asked. Baekhyun turned around to face his mother. She was livid. Baekhyun took a deep breath.

“It’s _Baekhyun_ , mom,” said Baekhyun carefully, “And I’m looking for my binder. Have you seen it?”

“What’s that?”

“Binder. The long cloth I use to bind my chest. Have you seen it?”

“Long cloth… Oh, that old thing? I thought you didn’t use it anymore. It was on your bed when I went in to clean up. I threw it away.”

Baekhyun’s jaw dropped. He was furious because his mom hadn’t asked him about it before throwing it away; at the same time he was scared because if he got mad, his mom would get madder.

“Oh,” was all Baekhyun could manage.

“A great decision too. What were you doing binding your chest anyways? You should leave it like that so boys would like you more,” she said ruthlessly while crossing her arms.

“Mom, I _want_ to bind it because I’m a boy. Boys don’t have breasts,” he explained after the umpteenth time.

“No, you are _not_ and I’m not having this conversation with you again, Boeun,” said Mrs. Byun solemnly, “Clean this up. I don’t want to hear about that binder again, do you understand?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he croaked. _Don’t break down. Not now. At least wait until she’s gone._ He counted the seconds it took for him to hear the click of a door. Baekhyun drowned in violent sobs once Mrs. Byun was out of sight. How could his mother have done this to him? He was doing so well trying to ignore his gender dysphoria. Yet his mother destroyed the confidence he was trying to instill within himself. He knew it was just a cloth and he could have easily bought another one. But his mother’s utter rejection of his transition pained him the most. At first he thought he could get some motherly support from her. He could not have been more wrong.

Baekbeom heard Baekhyun’s sobs from his room and immediately came to investigate.

“What happened?” he said once he reached Baekhyun’s bedroom.

“Mom… th-threw…away… my… b-binder…,” said Baekhyun between his sobs.

“I may have something you can use as substitute. Hold on,” he rushed to his room.

Baekhyun took deep breaths to cease the sobs. He ended up worsening it. He helplessly buried his face in his hands and let out every emotion lurking maliciously within him. His brother came back with a hand hidden behind his back.

“I have another surprise for you,” he smiled.

Baekhyun looked at him, unable to answer. Baekbeom showed what he was holding and Baekhyun squealed. It was the one he had always wanted to buy.

“Oh my god! That’s the one I browsed this afternoon! How did you…”

“My circle of friends abroad is well educated about the GLBTQA community and they suggested that I should buy this for you.”

It was a flattening undershirt. It had hooks on the side like a bra, but its function was the complete opposite. If bras were worn to define the beautiful round shape of boobs, flattening undershirts were worn to flatten them.

“Please, Baekbeom, can I try it on now?” he pleaded.

“Of course. I’ll be in my room,” Baekbeom departed with a smile fixated on his face. _I’m Baekhyun’s favorite person in the world now._ He closed the door on his way out.

Baekhyun hastily pulled his sweater off and put the undershirt on. It was stiff, like putting on an inflatable life vest. He hooked the undershirt in great hurry; a few even slipped and punctured his nail bed. He winced at the sharp pain. As soon as he looked at himself in the mirror, he let out a gasp. It worked more effectively than the old binder he had been using since the start of his transition. He saw the flattest version of his chest he had ever seen.

“I have a…flat chest… _I have a flat chest!_ Woohoo!” he jumped up and down and around his room. He even jumped on his bed. Baekhyun was so full of glee; he didn’t care if he looked like a little kid again. He jumped around until he was out of breath. He checked himself out in the mirror one more time. He posed like how male models posed in magazines. He flexed his tiny biceps and smiled from ear to ear. He was no model (yet), but he sure was happy. He could just imagine himself taking hormones and started working out. He sighed as he pictured himself with visible, toned muscles and excessive body hair. _Good luck seeing me as a girl then, mom._ He had one person to thank. He put on a slimfit shirt he had been unconfident of wearing in the past. Baekhyun then took a quick look at the mirror _again_ ; he made sure his short hair looked stylish. He used the hair gel he had bought last week. He wasn’t sure about what to do with his hair before. Now with his newfound surge of manly confidence, it came naturally to him. His face was still as sunken and gloomy as someone who had suffered a terrible loss, but there was a certain glow radiating from his inner self. He was ready to present the ‘upgraded’ Baekhyun to his brother.

“How do I look?” asked Baekhyun as soon as he slammed open Baekbeom’s bedroom door. He was startled and responded the same way he had seen Baekhyun that afternoon. He didn’t try to hide his amazement this time, though. Baekhyun actually looked clean and fashionable. He usually just lazily put on whatever shirt was closest to where he was standing.

“Smashing. I’ve made the right decision coming home with that awesome undershirt, haven’t I?”

“Yes. Thank you. You’ve really made my day. It’s not even my birthday, but I feel like it is. Have you got any more surprises for me?”

Baekbeom thought for a moment. _Maybe if I just do him one last favor…_

__“Okay. You got me. I do have one more.”

“What is it?” asked Baekhyun excitedly.

“We’re going to a bar tonight to celebrate!”

Baekhyun wanted to object, but he didn’t find a single reason why. He felt like the epitome of confidence that evening. There was no way he was going to waste this opportunity. Who knew when his gender dysphoria would come back? Baekbeom misread Baekhyun’s silence as a ‘no’.

“Maybe somewhere else?”

“No. No, I want to go. Please, take me?” Baekhyun gave him a half-smile.

“Sure.”

 

The two brothers set out to a bar as the elder had promised. Baekhyun had low expectations of how the night will end despite his bubbling excitement. He had never been to a bar before; he didn’t know who to go with. He only wished he would meet _someone_ that’ll change his life; maybe a nice girl? Baekhyun almost fainted when he arrived at the bar. It was called ‘Queen’ and it was located at the center of Homo Hill. He punched Baekbeom’s arm. _He surprised me thrice today. The first two surprises were pleasant. This one…_

__“ _Why_ did you take me here? Homo Hill? Really?” he interrogated him.

“There’s a wider range of people to mingle with here. From guys, girls, and people in between. This is the _perfect_ place for you to discover your sexuality. Don’t you think?”

Baekhyun scrunched up his face to indicate he was in deep thought. As if he was thinking ‘to forgive or not to forgive brother?’ But he actually thought that Baekbeom was right, it wasn’t exclusive to one gender. The place was inexplicably vibrant and lively. Baekhyun felt the strange urge to go in and join the party. The downside of going in there was…there was no downside. _Actually. This is not a bad idea._ He marveled at his brother’s capability of impressing him. The whole ordeal made him nervous, though. He felt a wave of excitement and anxiety clashing, making him shiver. Baekhyun sighed.

“Take me to the bar. I need a drink,” ordered Baekhyun uncharacteristically.

_My little brother has grown up into a man now. So proud._ Baekbeom thought.

“Yes, yes. It’s further inside.”

The place was packed. They had to wade through a sea of people to get from one place to another. Cigarette smoke pervaded the club. It wasn’t much of a bother, but it was something to get used to. House music indigenous to gay clubs blared through the speakers. Purple and pink lightings were a part of its charm. Everyone appeared as if they had magenta skin. Oiled up male go-go dancers with exposing outfits danced on stripper poles. He couldn’t believe how many people winked at him or catcalled him when he was walking to the bar with Baekbeom. At first he thought it was all Baekbeom, but they were referring to him too.

“Hey there, baby,” a hunk worthy of being a go-go dancer cooed at him, “Want to spend some time with these babies?”

He gestured to his impeccably toned biceps. Baekhyun turned away blushing deep red when he almost said yes. He kept his eyes fixated on Baekbeom’s back and avoided the piercing stares around him. _Where the hell is that bar?_

__The bar was actually not far from the entrance. Baekhyun rolled his eyes when he measured the distance. The seats appeared full, mostly occupied by men flirting with each other. They were either holding a glass of Manhattan or Cosmopolitan. Baekhyun observed them. He had not seen so many gay men in one place before. Baekbeom appeared in front of him with a glass of drink in his hand for him.

“Appletini?” he shouted over the loud music.

Baekhyun didn’t feel like shouting. He received the drink and took a sip of it. It had the scent of fruity nail polish remover. He liked it. It was sweet. He could barely taste the naughty water in it.

“I’m going to the bathroom. You walk around and talk, okay?” Baekbeom gestured around the club. Baekhyun nodded. He didn’t know who to start a conversation with. It was ironic because there were plenty of individuals looking at him with interest. He could’ve easily talked to any one of them. But they all seemed too aggressive for Baekhyun. Then he saw an unoccupied seat next to a woman. Her plump hourglass figure was wrapped in bright yellow bodycon dress. Baekhyun’s throat went dry. _Here goes nothing._

“Hi,” he shouted awkwardly. The woman turned her head majestically to where Baekhyun was standing. She was the most breathtaking foreigner he had ever laid eyes upon. Her melanin skin was as brown as ground coffee. It gave him the same buzz as caffeine did. His heart raced as he waited for her response.

“Hey,” she smiled at him. Deep dimples formed on her cheeks.

“Is this seat taken?”

“No,” she shook her head.

Baekhyun smiled in return and took a seat. He felt breathless. Apart from the effect of the flattening undershirt, he racked his brains for something to say. _Anything_.

“I’ve never seen you here before,” she spoke fluent Korean.

“It’s because I’ve never been here. Do you come here often?”

She shrugged, “When I feel like it. Did you come here with somebody?”

Baekhyun nodded. He instinctively looked for his brother. The crowd hadn’t receded. Baekhyun saw drag queens in the flesh for the first time. Some wore decorative head pieces, some neon colored wigs. The drag queens looked like giant peacocks trying to impress their mates. They all wore cabaret costumes Baekhyun wouldn’t be caught dead with. A drag queen wearing an all pink outfit was dancing unrestrainedly; her nipples were hanging out. She proudly flaunted her prominent penis bulge during her dance moves. Baekhyun changed his mind. He wouldn’t mind using that kind of outfit as long as he had what the drag queen was gifted with by the creator. He sighed. He had forgotten that he was looking for his brother and that a beautiful lady was waiting for his answer.

“What’s your name?” she asked instead. Baekhyun gave her an apologetic look. He hadn’t meant to avoid her question.

“Baekhyun. What’s yours?”

“Wyleisha,” she said.

The conversation went on smoothly afterwards. Baekhyun bought her a drink out of courtesy. They both exchanged basic information about themselves. Where they came from, what their occupation was, etc. Soon they warmed up to each other and Wyleisha was smiling more often. She was the most captivating lady he had ever met and Baekhyun had taken a liking to her. An hour later, Baekhyun got a bit too tipsy and negative thoughts started to emerge. He suddenly felt fear. What if Wyleisha noticed the absence of Adam’s apple on Baekhyun’s front neck? What if his flattening undershirt ripped open and revealed his unwanted breasts? What if Wyleisha lost interested in him once she knew he wasn’t a real guy? What if he ended up alone for the rest of his miserable, pathetic life? What if Baekbeom didn’t want him to be his little brother anymore? What if his mom found him there and disowned him for good? Baekhyun couldn’t bear it anymore and he suddenly sobbed right there on the bar. Wyleisha was alarmed at Baekhyun’s sudden emotional outburst.

“Baekhyun? Are you alright?”

“No… You… You’ll hate me… I’m a horrible person…”

Wyleisha raised her eyebrow, “What are you talking about? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“But I’m not… I’m not…” Baekhyun cried harder.

“Baekhyun...” she gently rubbed his shaking shoulder, “Tell me what what’s wrong.”

“I… I’m not a guy… There… You can leave now… Go ahead… I get it…” he slurred. He couldn’t keep his voice down and people around him stared.

“You _are_ a guy, Baekhyun,” she said while looking straight into his eyes.

“I’m _not_. You don’t understand… I’m a transgender,” he finally said. He then cried some more. He knew she was slipping through his fingers. _She’s disgusted now. Great job, Baekhyun._

“I know. But being a transgender doesn’t make you less of a man.”

Baekhyun’s crying ceased. In the midst of his alcohol induced brain and the noisy surroundings, he thought he didn’t quite hear what she said to him. There was no way someone other than his brother could possibly _understand._ He was so used to being rejected by others; he assumed no one else could ever understand him. He even had a horrible misconception that Baekbeom accepted him only because he was his brother. If he hadn’t been, Baekbeom would’ve hated him like all the rest.

“But, why?” Baekhyun wasn’t crying anymore, but his face was streaked with tears. He had very little hope that Wyleisha would even want to talk to him anymore.

“Well, it’s not your fault if you were born in the wrong body. It’s who you choose to be is what matters, right?” she smiled.

“Right,” Baekhyun wasn’t sure whether he was dreaming or not. He went along with whatever was happening.

Wyleisha giggled, “Come on, wipe those tears off your face. I want to take you dancing.”

Wyleisha took his hand and led him to the dance floor. The music was fast paced; Baekhyun didn’t know how to start dancing. His body felt loose all over, but his mind was far from easy. He knew what he had to do then; he couldn’t possibly have done it in a sober state. He pulled Wyleisha close in his arms and kissed her. She was taller than him by an inch or two, so he had to tilt his head upward. As soon as their lips brushed, Baekhyun felt cross. It wasn’t at all what he had thought. He heard a lot of what kisses were supposed to be like. Fireworks? Or was it running through a field of tulips? What he knew for sure was that he wanted to stop. He froze. All of a sudden, someone bumped into Baekhyun causing him to fall sideways. He fell down like a rag doll. He wasn’t sober enough to get himself up. Wyleisha got on her knees and checked if he was okay.

“Baekhyun!” Baekbeom had kept an eye on Baekhyun the whole time. He had lain low to let Baekhyun enjoy his first time at a gay club by himself. But under the circumstance of tipsy Baekhyun, he had to step in and help him.

“Hey, you! Watch where you’re dancing! You’re a big guy. You could’ve broken him in half,” Baekbeom lectured the guy who was responsible. He shoved the tall guy.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t see him standing there. He’s so tiny,” he said.

“He’s not _that_ tiny,” Baekbeom lashed back. He pulled Baekhyun up off the floor.

“I’m not…,” Baekhyun mumbled. He had caught a glimpse of the man before he blacked out.

 

Baekhyun woke up with a throbbing head. He was still fully dressed. He tried to recall what happened last night, but all he remembered was how tight his chest had felt the whole time. Nevertheless, he was glad that the flattening undershirt did its job. He headed out to the bathroom to freshen up before breakfast. They were having egg toast sandwich. Baekhyun could tell from the mouthwatering smell wafting from the kitchen. He quickened his teeth-brushing, face-washing, and putting on his clothes. He found Baekbeom and Mrs. Byun in their usual seasts. Mr. Byun had already gone to work.

“Dad's already gone to work? So early...,” he said as he took a seat next to Baekbeom.

“Yeah...,” answered Baekbeom absentmindedly. The brothers weren't exactly in good terms with their parents since Baekhyun's transition. Their family warmth had vanished. Mr. and Mrs. Byun wanted little to do with their sons. Seeing their own daughter 'pretending' to be a man was an utter disgrace. They had stopped bringing Baekhyun to big family gatherings. 'Until you've truly realized what you've done to yourself, you are not our daughter,' Mrs. Byun said. Baekhyun was crushed. Suicidal thoughts started tugging at the back of his head. If it weren't for Baekbeom's undying support, he would've ended his life a long time ago.

They ate their breakfast in complete silence like every other morning in the house of Byun. After they've finished, the brothers thanked their mother for the meal. As always, she replied with a half-hearted smile. She went upstairs and stayed there the whole day.

“Have you got any plans for today?” asked Baekbeom.

“No,” replied Baekhyun.

“Do you want to go out again?”

Baekhyun considered it, but he was reminded of how kind his brother was the day before. He didn't want to burden him anymore.

“I think I'm going to go to the barbershop. My hair is getting messy.”

“Hm. Okay, then. Do you need a ride?”

“No,” he quickly replied, “I can go by myself. It's not far away from here. I can manage.”

“Suit yourself. Be careful on your way there. I'm going to call my sweetheart all day long now.” Baekhyun jokingly retched. Baekbeom chuckled and ruffled his already messy hair.

 

A friendly barber with a goatee greeted Baekhyun at the door. The quiet and peaceful barbershop lessened his headache. Dealing with hangovers wasn’t his thing. He figured being somewhere less hectic than the club did him good. He breathed in the distinct smell of hair product. It was better than the club’s cigarette contaminated air.

There were 3 other costumers besides Baekhyun. One of them was almost finished getting his hair cut. Baekhyun was seated next to him. The guy was staring at a page of a magazine. His stare looked blank.

“What style do you want for your hair?”

He only went to the barbershop to be alone and to not bother Baekbeom. Besides, he didn’t know what to do with his hair.

“I guess… Short? I mean, just make it look neat.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Do you want me to gel your hair?”

“Why not?” Baekhyun smiled. The barber returned his smile and proceeded with his job. Baekhyun’s mind wandered to what had happened last night. He remembered Wyleisha. He sighed as he remembered what it meant when he didn’t enjoy their kiss. _I guess Baekbeom was right to take me to Queen after all._ What would his mother say if she found out that he’s gay? _She’d definitely be elated. That would mean I’m ‘straight’, right? Since I’m still a girl in her eyes. She’d even plan a wedding for us or something. Dad would talk to me again and we’d all live happily ever after._ He sighed again. Why did he have to have such bigoted parents? He also remembered how he was suddenly knocked sideways to the ground. It had hurt. He actually got a bruise from it. Baekhyun wore a long sleeved shirt to hide it. _Why is there always_ something _to hide?_ He sighed for the third time out of complete exasperation.

“Is there something the matter?” asked the guy who had the magazine close to his face. Baekhyun couldn’t get a good look at his face from where he was seating. He also didn’t want to disrupt the barber’s groove doing his hair by turning his head. 

“Why do you ask?” asked Baekhyun.

“You’ve been sighing a lot,” he said simply.

“It’s…none of your business,” replied Baekhyun coldly. He still had a mild hangover. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with nosy people.

“Please don’t do it again. I’m trying to read here.”

Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows. _Excuse me?_

“Whatever. This is a public place. If you don’t want to be bothered, stay home,” he lashed out. That morning, he wasn’t the usually insecure and jumpy Baekhyun. He was the hangover and easily irritated Baekhyun. The stranger lowered his magazine. He looked at Baekhyun with great distaste. He took in Baekhyun’s familiar appearance. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. The barber who was doing his hair told him to straighten his seating position. He mumbled a sorry and obeyed.

“Have…I seen you before?” he asked.

“Not likely,” answered Baekhyun with disinterest. He didn’t even care if they had met. He just wanted to have his hair cut in peace.

“Hm….”

The guy observed Baekhyun some more. He was sure he had seen him somewhere before. He didn’t know why he felt guilty when he looked at him.

“Sir, would you like a shave?” the barber asked him out of habit. The guy had impeccably smooth facial skin. He looked fit to be a skin care model. He shook his head and smiled politely.

“No, thanks.”

The guy was hesitant to leave the barbershop. He badly wanted to find out where he had met Baekhyun. He stood up beside Baekhyun’s barber.

“Are you positive we haven’t met before? Because you look _really_ familiar,” he said.

Baekhyun squinted his eyes when he saw the guy’s reflection in the mirror. For a while he had forgotten the latter’s arrogance earlier. The last person he saw before blacking out. He was incredibly attractive in daylight with his hair freshly cut.

“We…did. I don’t think it’ll be wise to say where we met out loud,” said Baekhyun.

He thought for a moment before something clicked in his mind.

“I know. We met at the hospital! I was getting my prostate examined last week. You did too, didn’t you?”

Baekhyun facepalmed. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. _Is this guy an idiot?_

Baekhyun’s barber awkwardly suggested, “Do you guys need a moment to talk alone?”

“No, please. Don’t leave,” Baekhyun pleaded. The barber shrugged.

“Look, what’s your name?” asked Baekhyun.

“Chanyeol,” he said with a big smile. Baekhyun thought Chanyeol’s teeth were as white as sugar cubes. _Although it is ironic because sugar damages teeth._

__“Chanyeol, can we have this conversation once I’m done?”

“Sure. I have all day. I’ll totally wait for you,” he replied with his smile unwavering.

Baekhyun ignored his sarcasm. _Or he’s not being sarcastic?_ Chanyeol didn’t leave his sight. He stood still and watched Baekhyun instead. Baekhyun felt uncomfortable being watched like that. _What if he notices things I don’t want him to?_

__“Um. Are you going to stand there the whole time?”

“Would you rather if I sit?”

“ _Yes._ ”

Chanyeol found himself a seat in the waiting area near the door. Baekhyun could still see him in his mirror. Once or twice he sneaked a quick peek at Chanyeol. _How could he have forgotten where he had seen me? I was the one who was tipsy and blacking out. He seemed fine. Or did he pass out too? But he looks like he had just been to a facial treatment. What is up with his skin? So smooth._ Baekhyun raised his eyebrows. _Well, so what if he has smooth skin? It’s not like I want to touch it._

“I’ll gel your hair now,” said the barber.

Baekhyun didn’t even pay attention to what was done to his hair. It felt like only a few seconds had passed when the barber told him that he could go to the cashier now. He thanked him and paid for his hair cut service.

“Want to go somewhere and talk?” asked Chanyeol once they were out of the barbershop.

“Talk about what?” he snapped. He couldn’t believe how bitchy he was the whole morning.

“About stuff, you know. Like how we really met. Wait, where did we meet again?”

“Queen. We met at Queen. You were dancing _recklessly_ and slammed into me. Now do you remember?”

“Oh… Oh yeah… You’re tiny! _Now_ I remember you! Haha!” said Chanyeol triumphantly.

“My name is _not_. Tiny. It’s Baekhyun,” Baekhyun was getting strangely irritated by Chanyeol’s cheerful demeanor. _Why the hell is he so happy all the time? Doesn’t he have problems to think about?_

__“Baekhyun. I like your name,” he said with a sincere smile. Chanyeol wasn’t sure whether it was the heat or his words that made Baekhyun’s cheeks as pink as cotton candy. Baekhyun pouted as Chanyeol surveyed his expression.

“What are you doing?” asked Baekhyun skeptically. __

__“You’re blushing.”

“No, I’m not!” he said defensively. They were still standing in front of the barbershop and people passing by them stared.

“Instead of making a scene, how about I take you on a date right now? Since you seem to be pretty in to me,” said Chanyeol with a wink. Baekhyun was so surprised at Chanyeol’s straightforwardness; he was at loss for words. They barely knew each other. Yet there Chanyeol was, indirectly confessing his feelings for Baekhyun. Chanyeol took the smaller guy’s hand in his. Baekhyun’s heart raced until his ears pounded.

“Baekhyun? I’m sorry that you fell because of me last night. I’m sorry I called you tiny more than once. I’m sorry that I couldn’t ask you out in a more appropriate setting. I just really like you and I want to get to know you. Is that okay?”

_What’s not okay, to be honest? You’re gorgeous and charming. Why would I reject you? You don’t even need to apologize to me. Just take me now and make me yours._ Baekhyun couldn’t help but think that despite how fast it was going, he did want to go with him.

“What… I mean. Yes. Um. Where do you want to go?” he mumbled the whole thing. Chanyeol snickered. _He’s so cute._

“Let’s have an aquarium date at Coex Aquarium!”

 

They started with the Undersea Tunnel. It was a long tunnel that enabled visitors to view the sea creatures from an artificial underwater tunnel at the base of a huge glass water tank. The lighting provided was from the surface of the tank, so the place glowed ocean blue. It was the perfect place for a quiet date. Baekhyun was silently enjoying their time there. Chanyeol had once or twice wanted to hug Baekhyun by the waist, but figured it was too soon. Chanyeol sensed that Baekhyun had certain distrust in people. He wasn’t able to express himself or open up to people as easily as other people Chanyeol had met before in his life. Baekhyun had a tough shell that Chanyeol knew was going to be hard to brake. He had a secret he didn’t want people to find out right away and Chanyeol started to think of ways to reveal it. _Should I display more affection or less? Should I talk to him slowly or aggressively?_

Baekhyun folded his hands as he observed a group of leopard seals huddled tightly together in the corner. He couldn’t see their heads. The seals hadn’t moved since Baekhyun and Chanyeol arrived at the Undersea Tunnel; except maybe shifted a couple of times because of the water movement in the aquarium.

“You can just tell how depressed they are in this cramped aquarium. It’s so unfair… They probably had lavish lives in their natural habitat. All of a sudden, a group of monstrous humans swooped in and abducted them. They put them here, in this confining glass prison. They can’t migrate anymore or do anything, really. They just…stay there. All the time. 24/7. Moving only to retrieve food. Maybe sometimes they don’t bother to even feed themselves. What’s the point anyway, right? They didn’t ask for this kind of life. Why even try being alive,” Baekhyun drifted off. The leopard seals reminded him a lot of himself. The aquarium was his gender dysphoria. He was robbed from his right to live in his natural habitat that is of course, a man’s body. He felt like he wanted to cry. He didn’t wish to think the way he thought. Baekhyun couldn’t help but think life was never right for anyone.

“I think there’s something happening in your life that makes you think this way. When I see this tunnel, I see wonder. I see family. I see peace. I used to come here a lot when I was a kid. Seeing so many different species of sea creatures enamored me. I thought it could have the same effect on you, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun turned away. He wished he could take back what he had said about the leopard seals and the aquarium. Chanyeol had good intentions. He didn’t mean to trigger his stubborn gender dysphoria.

“Sorry. I just have a lot in my mind right now. I didn’t mean to ruin your childhood or anything.”

“It’s alright.”

Chanyeol braved himself and took hold of Baekhyun’s hips. He felt the rigid material of the undershirt beneath Baekhyun’s shirt. It felt like a bulletproof vest, even though the material was thinner.

“Baek, what is this you’re wearing? Are you an undercover cop?" Chanyeol chuckled.

“Don’t. Touch it,” Baekhyun gently lowered Chanyeol's hands from his hips.

“Okay, I won't touch it,” he threw his hands up in defeat. He didn't wish to pry into Baekhyun's personal life, but he wanted to be a part of Baekhyun's life. It pained him to think Baekhyun was suffering in silence alone with a secret so deep, he couldn't tell a single soul.

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

_Should I tell him? I don't know him that well yet... I don't even know if he will stay after I tell him. He's so nice. So perfect. That scares me. What if I like him and I'll be crushed once he leaves me because of this stupid body? But I don't want to be around someone who doesn't have a clue about who I am._ Baekhyun remembered what Wyleisha had said to him. That being trans didn't make him less of a man. He took a deep breath and spilled. __

__“I'm not a guy.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean. I'm not a guy. Yet. I'm still transitioning.”

Chanyeol needed a moment to put two and two together. He did notice how Baekhyun's body was considerably small. His jawline and cheek bones were less pronounced than Chanyeol’s. Baekhyun’s unusually high pitched voice; almost like a girl's.

“Transition?” Chanyeol had to ask again to make sure he had heard him right. _It can't be..._

“I'm a transman, Chanyeol. This 'bulletproof vest' I'm wearing right now is to cover my breasts,” Baekhyun hopelessly confessed. There was no turning back. The moment of truth was there. Baekhyun waited for Chanyeol response. _Will he run or stay?_

“I... Since when have you been like this?”

_He's hasn't sprinted out of the aquarium yet. I still have a chance to scare him away._ Baekhyun thought bitterly. __

__“Since forever. There wasn't a time when I think being a girl is okay. I'm not a girl and I wish everyone around me would quit insisting that I am one. If you are one of them, I suggest you leave now.”

Baekhyun prepared himself for an outpour of tears once Chanyeol decided to turn away and deserted him. He took a deep breath. Baekhyun searched for a hint of disgust in Chanyeol's cat-like eyes. 

“No. I want to stay. I never had to deal with transgender people before in my life, so please be patient with me. I want to apologize in advance if I ever say things that will hurt your feelings. When I do, tell me so I won’t say them again. I know I just met you last night… This doesn’t even make sense. But I feel like I… I want to go through this for you. God, I sound creepy, don’t I?”

Baekhyun’s eyes were opened. Baekbeom wasn’t the only person who was willing to take him as he was. The acceptance he desperately sought from people was found in Baekbeom…and now Chanyeol. The friendly stranger who took him out on a date the first time they’ve introduced themselves. Chanyeol had accepted him with open arms. He didn’t know what kind of dream he was dreaming, but he didn’t want to wake up.

“Creepy? No… You… You’re perfect,” said Baekhyun dreamily. He didn’t regret what he had said. He had meant it. Although Baekhyun was so embarrassed, he forgot how to blush. Chanyeol took the opportunity of the stunned Baekhyun to pull him closer and planted a kiss on his soft lips. Baekhyun’s brains turned mushy. _Now I feel it._ He thought. He knew what it meant to fall for somebody. The years spent being alone had suddenly meant nothing, like it was something he had to go through to get to this moment. He couldn’t possibly imagine a better feeling in his life than being this close with Chanyeol. He raked Chanyeol’s newly cut hair and pulled him closer to an even deeper kiss. All self-restraint Baekhyun had had evaporated into thin air. They breathed heavily on each other. Chanyeol pushed him against the glass tunnel and ran his hand along Baekhyun’s back.

“Would you mind? There are children here,” spat an old woman with a greasy face. Both of them ignored her. Chanyeol even let a moan escape his mouth to purposely irritate the old lady. She snarled before leading her children away from the lust-driven couple. They went on for a full minute before Baekhyun broke the kiss. He needed to catch his breath before he loses control of his knees. They were trembling enough as they were. Chanyeol sealed their first kiss with a tender kiss on Baekhyun’s forehead.

“I’m glad I met you, Baekhyun,” said Chanyeol, “Even though I kind of accidentally slammed into you last night. I didn’t hurt you, didn’t I?”

Baekhyun didn’t think it was necessary to tell him he had a bruise. He shook his head.

“No, I’m fine,” Baekhyun smiled.

“Good,” Chanyeol was relieved. He hugged him close. Baekhyun buried his face on Chanyeol’s neck. He never felt so warm; on the outside and on the inside. This kind of affection had never existed in Baekhyun’s life before. He didn’t want there to be a gap between them ever again. But nothing lasted forever, of course. Chanyeol took him to see other attractions at the aquarium. Baekhyun wasn’t really up for it; he only wanted to be with Chanyeol as long as he could. There was nothing in the world he wanted to do more than getting closer to the taller guy.

 

Baekhyun of course told Baekbeom about Chanyeol.

“That guy who knocked you out?” he asked.

“He didn’t ‘knock me out’. It was an accident.”

“But he called you tiny.”

“Well…not anymore. He said he liked my name,” Baekhyun bit his lips as memories of their first date rushed into his mind.

“Yeah, okay. Spare me the lovey-dovey details. Have you…told him about…?”

“Yes. He noticed the undershirt and—“

“Did you guys get undressed? Baekhyun, I didn’t know you’re this naughty.”

“ _No_ , Baekbeom. Please. What’s important is that he accepts me, okay? There.”

Baekbeom smiled broadly, “I can’t tell you how glad I am to know that you have someone other than me to support you. About time, too. I’m leaving tomorrow morning. Everything is happening so…fast. This morning you were just going to the barbershop and now you’ve gone home from your first date. Wow. I think it’s because I’m here, you know. Good things happen when I’m around. Am I right?”

“Actually…that might be true. I’m just miserable without you. Can’t you postpone your flight to next week? I want to spend more time with you. I also want you to meet Chanyeol.”

“I can still see him now. Invite him over.”

“Are you kidding? It’s 9 p.m. now. Mom’s going to get all mad if we have a guest this late. I guess… You’ll just see him when we video call?”

“Well, I can’t postpone the flight. I have to be at my dorm a week before term starts. I’ve got things to do.”

“Okay…” Baekhyun pouted.

“Oh, no. Not even that pouty face can change my mind this time. I really need to go tomorrow, Baek. I’m sorry.”

For once, Baekhyun didn’t feel complete disappointment that his brother had to leave him for a whole year again before meeting again. Baekbeom usually came home only on summertime to cut some costs. Baekhyun had dreaded days without Baekbeom. His gender dysphoria frequently came uninvited to taunt him and put him on the edge of his wits. His parents made matters worse. Baekbeom’s kind and encouraging words guided Baekhyun through his struggle until now. With Chanyeol around, Baekhyun felt something that was never there before. Something that completed him. A feeling so strong that it defied logic. Baekhyun thought he was going even crazier, if it was even possible in his case. It was a foreign feeling that comforted him in a way Baekbeom couldn’t. _It can’t be…love. Can it? I mean, we just met._

The next morning, Baekhyun and Mrs. Byun took Baekbeom to the airport. They said their goodbyes. Baekhyun hugged him tightly and refused to let go even when there was a final announcement for Baekbeom’s flight departure. Mrs. Byun firmly pulled Baekhyun away from Baekbeom. ‘Let him go, Boeun. He’s going to be late for his flight,’ she said. Baekhyun didn’t know how else to tell his mother that he _wasn’t_ Boeun anymore. He let her call him whatever she wanted as long as she didn’t kick him out of the house.

 

Chanyeol and Baekhyun continued to see each other as much as they could after summer was over. Baekhyun was no longer the weird guy who sat alone in the corner with a perpetual frown on his face. Well, he still sat as far away from people as possible; but this time he had a less intimidating aura. Someone even asked if they could borrow Baekhyun’s pencil. He didn’t only acknowledge them; he gave them a thin smile. Chanyeol’s presence in his life bettered him in ways that he never thought wasn’t possible.

Baekhyun finished the last class of the day and usual, Chanyeol waited for him in the campus cafeteria. Chanyeol was grinning from ear to ear when he saw Baekhyun at the entrance. Chanyeol asked him to sit. He wanted to tell him something.

“The sun is shining as bright as ever and you are handsome. I don’t see why my parents won’t like you right away. I don’t want to negotiate. We are going to see my parents right now and that is final.”

Baekhyun almost fell off his seat. Chanyeol looked so determined; Baekhyun doubted he could change his mind.

 

“Who is this handsome young man, Chanyeol? You haven’t mentioned him before,” asked Mrs. Park.

“This is Baekhyun, mom! He’s the reason why I was went out a lot during summer. I talked to him first when we met at the barbershop, didn’t I, Baek?”

“M-hm,” Baekhyun nodded. He smiled shyly. _Do his parents know that he’s not straight?_

“Oh, he’s so adorable!” exclaimed Mrs. Park. She invaded his personal space and rubbed his cheeks with her hands. Chanyeol sniggered at Baekhyun’s tenseness.

“That’s enough, mom. We don’t want to scare him away just yet now, do we?”

“Of course not! Come in, please. What would you like to drink?”

“No, thank you, ma’am. I drank a lot before I got here. I actually need to go to the bathroom. May I?”

“Chanyeol, show him where the bathroom is. I’ll go serve you both a pint of water in case any of you suddenly get thirsty.”

Chanyeol bravely took Baekhyun’s hand in his. Baekhyun gasped. _Calm down. His mother is probably accustomed to seeing Chanyeol with his guy friends this touchy. It’s fine. Don’t make yourself look suspicious._

“The guest bathroom is upstairs.”

“Isn’t there a bathroom on this floor?”

“Yes. What’s your point?” Chanyeol’s eyes twinkled with malice. Baekhyun gulped. _I know where this is going._ He was right. Chanyeol entered the upstairs bathroom with him. He clicked the door’s lock and turned to Baekhyun.

“I’ve missed you.”

“We just got out of the car together less than 5 minutes ago.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Chanyeol took Baekhyun in his firm embrace. Baekhyun waited to be presented with a hungry kiss from Chanyeol. Seconds had passed. Chanyeol hadn’t done what Baekhyun had expected. He only held Baekhyun like that was what he had wanted to do all day. Chanyeol kissed Baekhyun’s temple.

“I have movies we can watch or something,” said Chanyeol.

Baekhyun replied absentmindedly, “Sure.”

“Chanyeol? I already put your drinks in your table, okay?”

“Yes, mom. Thanks,” he called from inside the bathroom. Baekhyun stiffed.

“Is it okay if she knows you’re in here with me?”

“She’s fine with it.”

“You probably had a lot of boys here before. No wonder your mom’s all coy and accepting.”

“Baekhyun.”

Chanyeol pushed Baekhyun in arm’s length, “My mom knows that I’m gay and she’s okay with it. I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss my past relationships. So let’s not talk about this, okay?”

Baekhyun nodded.

“Good.”

Chanyeol’s room was very neat and organized. His bed was made and there was plenty of space for them to walk around in the room. It was _nothing_ like Baekhyun’s room. Baekhyun imagined his room displayed as a ‘before’ in a room makeover advertisement and Chanyeol’s room as an ‘after’.

“Don’t be shy, you can sit wherever you want. I’ll get the DVDs.” 

Baekhyun had plenty of spaces to choose from. He chose to sit in front of Chanyeol’s bed, across from the TV. There were photos of Chanyeol and his friends displayed around the TV. _Chanyeol is quite the socialite._ He had so many group photos. There was this one photo of Chanyeol by himself sitting on a rock bench in a park somewhere. It was a candid photo which made Baekhyun roll his eyes. Chanyeol looked away in the distance; seemingly unaware of the photographer right in front of him immortalizing the moment with a click of a button. Baekhyun swore he would never let Chanyeol know how irresistible he looked. He wanted to steal the photo and stare at it every chance he got. He was weighing down the possibilities in which Chanyeol would realize its disappearance. _Maybe he won’t notice? If I can just grab it and stuff it in my bag… I should do it now. Okay. Right…now!_ Without hesitance, Baekhyun snatched the framed photo and stuffed it deep in his school bag. Chanyeol got back in his room with Baekhyun stiffly seated cross-legged on the floor.

“You okay? You look like you saw a ghost.”

“No…I didn’t. What’s that you got in your hand?”

“Oh, yeah. These are classics. I know these are old movies, but they still give me the feels. I think we should start with ‘Seducing Mr. Perfect’ then work our way to the ones with heavier feels.”

“How many movies are we watching today?”

“As many as possible. I want you to sleep over. You can’t say no because tomorrow’s Saturday and we’re going to spend time together again anyways. Call your mom, tell her you’re staying over tonight.”

“Do I even have a say in this?”

“Hm,” Chanyeol scrunched up his face to indicate he was thinking, “No… No, I don’t think so.”

“You are insufferable.”

“As long as you stay over, you can call me whatever you want!”

“Giant.”

“Tiny.”

“Hey! Not fair. You said I can call you whatever I want, not the other way around.”

“You haven’t called your mom so the rule isn’t valid yet, cutie.”

He pinched Baekhyun’s cheek. Baekhyun sighed in defeat. He pulled out his phone and dialed his phone number. His mom picked up on the third ring.

“Hello?”

“Mom, hi. It’s Baekhyun. Would it be okay if I stay over at a friend’s house for a night?”

“Who’s your friend?”

“His name is Chanyeol. I—“

“Go home, Boeun.”

“What? But mom—“

“Are you a slut as well as a freak now? Get home right now. How shameful, staying over at a man’s house and telling me about it. Go home now or not at all.”

Baekhyun couldn’t believe what his mother had said. He was so stricken, there were no words coming out from his mouth.

“Didn’t you hear me?”

“Yes,” said Baekhyun. He didn’t recognize his own voice. His mother hung up without saying goodbye.

“Chanyeol… I’m sorry. I have to go.”

“Why? Did your mom say no?”

“Yes, she said no.”

“But why? I don’t get it. We’re both guys. Your mom must be really overprotective.”

“Chanyeol... My mom still thinks I’m a girl, along with everyone in my family. Well, except Baekbeom. But he’s in Japan now. There’s no one to defend me.”

“You have me, don’t you? I’ll talk to her.”

“You’ll do that for me?”

“Well, yes. I need blessings from your parents if I want to take this relationship further, don’t I?”

Baekhyun blushed. He didn’t consider them to be _that_ serious. He always thought Chanyeol would fly away one day and never return.

 

Mrs. Byun opened the front door with a scowl.

“Get in. Is this Chanyeol?” she spat Chanyeol’s name.

“Good afternoon, ma’am. I’m Park Chanyeol, the person your son has been seeing.”

“I only have one son.”

“Mom, please, let us in. The neighbors will hear us.”

His mom agreed with Baekhyun. She didn’t want any nosy neighbors digging into their personal lives.

“Fine.”

Baekhyun could hear the loud ticking of the living room clock as they were all seated on the couch. Baekhyun and Chanyeol sat together; Mrs. Byun sat across them. He had no idea how the day would end. He feared only the worst and the silence between them was suffocating. He had to say something.

“Mom.”

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone. You could’ve said something.”

“I wanted to, but I wasn’t ready. I’m sorry.”

“Mrs. Byun, I’d like to point out that I’ve treated Baekhyun with care, love, and acceptance. There’s no one in this world I’d like to be with than your son.”

“Her name is Boeun and she is my daughter.”

No matter how many times Baekhyun heard his mother’s denial of his transition, it still hurt. Baekhyun suppressed the urge to storm out, go to his room, and cry.

“Ma’am, with all due respect, Baekhyun is your son. He has gone through a lot and he needs your support. It may be difficult to get how Baekhyun is the way he is, but it doesn’t hurt to try. It’s not his fault, nor is it yours. It’s nobody’s fault. Please, don’t let him get through this alone. He has Baekbeom and I, but I’m sure we’re not enough. He needs his parents more than anything. Ma’am, I beg of you to please accept Baekhyun as he is.”

“I have heard enough. How dare you speak that way.”

“Mom,” Baekhyun pleaded. He didn’t want anyone to fight because of him anymore. First Baekbeom, and now Chanyeol.

To both Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s surprise, Mrs. Byun broke into tears.

“I try to understand you, Boeun. But how? How can I ever understand that my own daughter is acting this way? What have I done to make you hate me so?”

“No, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not doing this on purpose. I really am a boy, on the inside. If you won’t understand me, then I’ll….I’ll run away and never come back to burden you.”

Baekhyun stood up and so did his mother.

“No, Bo—Baekhyun. Wait.”

Baekhyun’s lips trembled, “You…You called me Baekhyun…”

He went around the coffee table to finally hug his mother after more than a year of bickering. That coffee table was like his mother’s misperception and denial towards his transition. It was preventing her from showing how much she cared for Baekhyun. Chanyeol smiled at what he was witnessing. Mrs. Byun hugged Baekhyun as tight as she could. She was afraid she’d lose her son for good this time.

“I’m sorry for not listening to you. It’s going to take a while for me to get used to this. I owe an apology to Baekbeom. He was the one who was always on your side, even when I hurt you. All the things I did, I did them out of spite. I was mad at myself. I thought I had done something wrong.”

Baekhyun mumbled on his mother’s shoulder, “You didn’t do anything wrong, mom. You were only trying to understand.”

“Your father…he said things he didn’t mean because he didn’t want to cross me. He actually accepts you as a son, but I… I told him that you were just confused. That you’re going to go back to normal soon enough. But you’re getting more and more like a boy every day and I got scared. I thought I was losing my daughter.”

She caressed Baekhyun’s head, “But I never had a daughter, did I?”

Baekhyun let out a low chuckle.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“I’m gay.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Baekhyun felt like the weight he had been carrying on his narrow shoulders was lifting. All along he wanted to be acknowledged by his mother as a male. He couldn’t think of anything better than what he was experiencing. His mother finally called him Baekhyun. If Boeun was corporeal, she’d walk out of the door right now without looking back. She’d never again be called over by his mother. Her existence was gone bit by bit like paint washed down by rain.

Chanyeol didn’t want to ruin the moment, but he felt like his presence was no longer relevant. He cleared his throat to indicate that he was there and they should tell him what to do now. Baekhyun and Mrs. Byun broke their hug.

“Oh, Chanyeol. Where are my manners? I am Baekhyun’s mom. I sincerely apologize for my behavior earlier...”

“There is no need, Mrs. Byun. I’m very happy to see you both in good terms again,” he smiled.

“Let’s all sit down and get acquainted.”

Baekhyun went back to his seat next to Chanyeol and snuggled up to him. He held Chanyeol’s hand in front of his mother. _This is something I don’t get to do every day._ Baekhyun was the one who told the whole story of how they met. His mother stole some glances at Chanyeol. She was intrigued to see her _son_ having a very good-looking man to spend a lot of time with. She thought Baekhyun was so socially awkward he wouldn’t be able to find anyone. Mrs. Byun also thought that Baekhyun’s obvious insecurity was partially her fault. If she hadn’t been so hard on Baekhyun, he could’ve turned out a lot better. Baekhyun, on the other hand, felt like he could finally belong in his own family. He didn’t need to be accepted by everyone right away; but being this close to his mother gave him an enormous sense of relief. All the pent up frustration of not being considered a male had lessened.

“Are you staying for dinner tonight, Chanyeol?” asked Mrs. Byun.

“If it’s no trouble.”

They told Mr. Byun about Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s relationship that night. He was shocked at first, like every other parent who first found out that their transgendered son was gay. But he figured that there was enough fraction in the family as it was, he didn’t want to add more pain and sadness by rejecting Baekhyun’s true gender or sexuality. For the life of him he couldn’t fathom how his family had to go through such troubled times before. Yet that night, they all shared warm smiles and hearty laughter.

 

Six months had passed since Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s official boyfriend-boyfriend relationship status. They still called each other by their first names; mostly because Baekhyun got too embarrassed to call Chanyeol ‘baby’ or ‘darling’. Chanyeol couldn’t control himself either if Baekhyun called him either of those names unexpectedly. He would lure Baekhyun to a secluded spot and ‘punish’ him if Baekhyun dared to tease him in public.

They were hanging out at their usual place at the mall, feeding each other with ice cream and talk about their day, when someone bumped into Chanyeol. It resulted in Chanyeol dropping the spoon that was going to into Baekhyun’s gaping piehole.

“Are you kidding me, man? Watch where you’re going,” snarled Chanyeol. He wasn’t pleased with Baekhyun’s palpable disappointment caused by the postponed ice cream consumption.

“Chanyeol?” uttered the man in disbelief. Chanyeol’s face was stricken with shock. Kyungsoo was the last person on earth he wanted to see when he was out with Baekhyun.

“Who?” Chanyeol hadn’t meant to ask that.

“It’s me, Kyungsoo. Don’t you recognize me? I haven’t changed a lot, you know.”

Baekhyun felt like a stranger in the midst of a reunion. He wanted to ask Chanyeol who Kyungsoo was, but he suddenly remembered the photo he saw in Chanyeol’s room. He had an arm over Chanyeol’s shoulder and a grin Baekhyun would like to punch out of his face. He remembered him well, alright.

“I know. You.” Chanyeol didn’t know how to handle the situation. Should he make up an excuse and leave with Baekhyun or just storm off like Kyungsoo wasn’t there?

“Yeah. Did you get my email? I… I was sort of waiting for an answer. I called you a couple of times after that, too. I thought you were busy and couldn’t return any of my calls. So… I thought you should have some time alone to think about things… Who’s he?”

Chanyeol tried to say something, but his lips were shut tight. Baekhyun took the initiative to introduce himself.

“Hi, I’m Baekhyun. Nice to meet you.”

Baekhyun held up his hand and Kyungsoo took it apprehensively.

“Are you Chanyeol’s classmate?”

“No, we don’t go to the same university.”

“How did you guys know each other?”

“Barbershop,” Chanyeol answered quickly before Baekhyun could say Queen.

“Huh. And you guys are hanging out like this after some casual talk at a barbershop?”

_Wow, this guy is nosy._ Baekhyun wanted to point out that he was Chanyeol’s boyfriend, but he didn’t want to reveal Chanyeol’s sexuality to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol might still be closeted around his high school friends.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Chanyeol finally spoke. Kyungsoo laughed; he thought it was a joke. He soon realized Chanyeol’s seriousness and he stopped. He was so angry that Baekhyun thought he was going to turn into the Hulk.

“So the reason you didn’t reply my email was…because of her?”

_Her?_ Baekhyun panicked. _Is Chanyeol seeing a girl behind my back?_

__“Her? Who’s her? What are you talking about?” asked Chanyeol.

“This girl, you idiot,” Kyungsoo pointed at Baekhyun, “Dating a tomboy doesn’t make him your boyfriend. So all this time you were just into tomboys, is that it? You’re not actually gay?”

“Baekhyun…is…a guy, Kyungsoo. You better apologize to him or I’ll make you,” threatened Chanyeol through gritted teeth.

“You and your empty threats. I can’t believe you chose that freak over me. How pathetic.”

“I didn’t reply to your email because you don’t really have feelings for me, you just want me as your possession. Coming out to me doesn’t mean that we’re automatically in a relationship, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo felt like he just did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Chanyeol’s words were like ice cold water numbing his whole body. He wanted to aggress and say a witty come back, but proper language became so foreign to him. He was embarrassed out of his mind. He wanted nothing else than to have Chanyeol out of his sight.

“I _hate_ you. I never want to see you again,” he blurted out even though he didn’t hate Chanyeol. At all.

“Whatever. Let’s go, Baekhyun.”

Chanyeol grabbed Baekhyun by his waist to lead him away from the stunned Kyungsoo. Baekhyun had wanted to cover his chest with his arms when they walked away. _Did my chest give it away? How did I not pass? Did I do something wrong? Was it my voice? Wasn’t it deep enough? I’ve been practicing on lowering it since the start of my transition. I pack my trunks every time I go out._

__“You okay? Asked Chanyeol once they were out of Kyungsoo’s earshot.

“No,” answered Baekhyun simply. 

“Baek?” Chanyeol faced himself in front of Baekhyun to get a good look at him. He was so pale he looked like he was going to be sick. He avoided eye contact with Chanyeol. He mustered a weak smile to ensure Chanyeol he was alright. __

__“You know you’re not hiding anything with a face that pale.”

“I’m also not hiding anything with this useless flattening undershirt and packed trunks.”

Chanyeol wasn’t expecting Baekhyun to drop the gender dysphoria bomb on him. He kept his expression even to not cause further panic.

“Is this because Kyungsoo called you a… Yeah, that?”

Baekhyun nodded. He was in the verge for tears. He was so close to believing that his male appearance was without doubt, male. Chanyeol had been a huge help in convincing him. _Or was it all a lie? Chanyeol’s pretending to believe that I’m a guy. What’s the reason for him to hang around a lost case like me anyway?_

“Baekhyun? Listen… He’s just…mad. He’s always been like this since as long as I’ve known him. Once he doesn’t get something he wants, he takes it out on people. He hasn’t grown out of that immaturity, it seems…”

“The email he sent you…what was it about?”

Baekhyun had an idea, but he wanted to know what it said. Word for word.

“I’ll show you.”

Chanyeol swiftly drew his smartphone from his jeans pocket. A few swipes of his thumbs later, Baekhyun found it.

 

From: do_kyungsoo@naver.com  
To: parkchanyeol@naver.com  
Subject: Hi  
Message:  
Hi, Chanyeol. It’s me… Kyungsoo. First off, I didn’t mean to abandon our friendship like that. When you told me that you’re gay, I didn’t know what to do. I got cold feet, to be fairly honest. I wanted to say that I’m gay too. Yes, I am gay. God, this is so exhilarating I can just kiss you!  
That’s another thing… I’m in love with you. I can’t wait to hear back from you.  
Much love, Kyungsoo.

 

Baekhyun almost dropped Chanyeol’s gadget. His hand was trembling terribly. He was so angry and jealous. _Why does this Kyungsoo guy dare to message Chanyeol like this? So pathetic, confessing his feelings through email. Wait, no. It would be so much worse if he had confessed to Chanyeol face to face._ _‘God, this is so exhilarating I can just kiss you!’? Who says that? Ever?_ He checked Chanyeol’s call logs. Kyungsoo had misscalled him at least 4 times each day since he sent the email. Baekhyun forcefully returned the phone. He felt like he was holding red-hot coal. Baekhyun’s sass suddenly collapsed once he was reminded of Kyungsoo’s words, ‘tomboy’. _I am_ not _a tomboy._

__“Chanyeol, take me to the hospital right now.”

“Why, my love? Are you sick?”

Chanyeol didn’t even realize what he called Baekhyun. He inspected Baekhyun’s temperature with the back of his hand and cupped his cheeks. Baekhyun’s eyes were still clear and healthy. His temperature was even. His nose wasn’t runny. He wasn’t coughing. He wasn’t even that pale anymore. Although there was a slight blush on his cheekbones.

“No, I’m not sick. I need to do something I should have done a long time ago.”

 

Baekhyun had done it. He finally went to the hospital to get his first doctor’s appointment to start taking testosterone. It wasn’t entirely impulsive and spontaneous according to Baekhyun. He reasoned to Chanyeol that he had been planning for this day his whole life. He was ready today, tomorrow, or every other day. He was waiting for a little push. Kyungsoo provided that extra push. He didn’t need any more convincing.

There they were, sitting across from each other in Baekhyun’s room. Trinkets to help the intramuscular injection were sprawled on the floor. A needle, syringe, rubbing alcohol, Band-Aids, cotton balls, and a tiny glass jar containing testosterone. The doctor had wanted to do Baekhyun’s first shot, but Baekhyun refused. He said it was almost close to a religious experience and he wanted to do it by himself. The doctor gave him important pointers so he wouldn’t make a mistake injecting the testosterone, the dosage, where he should inject it, so on. Baekhyun put on his most serious face and nodded the whole time. He made sure he remembered everything before taking it himself. Chanyeol was there for moral support.

“Do you need any help with anything?” asked Chanyeol for the umpteenth time. Baekhyun shook his head again.

“I’m fine, Park. I need to do this myself.”

Baekhyun saturated a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol and sterilized an area on his right thigh. He held up the loaded syringe in his hand. Baekhyun hated taking shots, but this was different. His whole life would considerably change after he continues to take the T shot weekly. There would no longer be anyone using the wrong pronouns. He’d always be referred to as he/him/his. _No turning back_. He penetrated the needle until it was completely buried in his upper thigh skin. Baekhyun inhaled deeply and so did Chanyeol. He was equally excited for his boyfriend. Baekhyun pushed the syringe pump down. _Exhale…slowly… Don’t mind the sharp needle in your thigh… A little bit more… It’s almost empty…_ Baekhyun pulled out the syringe. He felt like a ceremonious applause was due. But he got Chanyeol’s grin instead. It was enough.

“How do you feel?”

Baekhyun felt around his thigh and waited for a moment for the hormone to kick in. He didn’t feel anything yet.

“I think it needs a moment to take effect. But… This is the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.”

Chanyeol leaned forward and planted a kiss on Baekhyun’s soft lips.

“Good. I’m happy for you.”

 

“Hello, everyone. I am Park Chanyeol, a cis gendered gay male. I’m recording this video to let the world know about my boyfriend, Byun Baekhyun. Unfortunately, he won’t be joining me in this video because this is actually a secret. He doesn’t know that I’m doing this. In fact, he’d kill me if he finds out about this. Well, Baekhyun. I love you a whole lot. And… I want you to have all the happiness in the world.”

Chanyeol thought of Baekhyun and broke into a smile. He didn’t know how a video could change their lives, but it was worth a try. The video he was recording was for a plan he had in mind not long after Baekhyun’s first testosterone shot. His parents were on their way to understanding what it meant for Baekhyun. They braced themselves for what was going to happen. They knew Boeun was never going to make a comeback; that Baekhyun’s true gender was indeed male. They were going to spend the rest of their lives explaining their son’s condition to their extended family and curious neighbors. But seeing Baekhyun so happy being himself made them determined to keep supporting him. Chanyeol’s undivided love and devotion for Baekhyun didn’t escape them either. They knew how deeply Chanyeol felt for Baekhyun.

When Baekhyun brought up his dream of having top surgery, everyone was hesitant. Not only did it cost a lot of money, but complications might happen to Baekhyun if the surgery didn’t go too well. His father was willing to pay for Baekhyun’s hormone injections and doctor appointments, but he asked Baekhyun to rethink his decision with the top surgery. He didn’t want his son to make a decision he would regret in the future. Chanyeol gasped when he heard the possibility of Baekhyun’s nipples completely losing sensation to which Baekhyun rolled his eyes. They were sexually active, but Baekhyun didn’t let him do what guys usually do to women’s breasts. He was fortunate too because Chanyeol was gay and didn’t make love like a straight man. He did sometimes tease Baekhyun’s nipples in the middle of being on top of Chanyeol. Chanyeol didn’t want Baekhyun to be uncomfortable when it came to intimacy. Using a binder during sex was awkward for the both of them. Baekhyun had trouble breathing with his binder constricting his chest. He was easily exhausted and had to take a break for a while before continuing. Chanyeol convinced him to continue without it. It went better than they had expected. Baekhyun covered his chest with his arms at first, but he let his chest free after he got into the pleasurable experience of consummating their love.

Chanyeol replayed the raunchy scenes in his mind; making him forget about the video he was supposed to be recording. Aside from being consumed by lust, he let himself imagine sceneries in which Baekhyun had a sincere smile on his face and the chest he had always wanted to have. Life was never fair for anyone, Chanyeol knew that. They had to go through so much to be, or at least feel, ‘normal’. It wasn’t possible for Baekhyun. Ever since he was born, he was already an anomaly unable to fit into society’s standard of an ‘ideal female’. He had tried, even if it hurt, to fit in. His school days were spent living a life of pretend. He made believe that everything was going to be okay soon and he’d wake up the next day without feeling so distant from himself. But he stayed the way he was, burning him in the eternal fire of gender dysphoria. A hell he couldn’t escape no matter how much he tried to ‘repent’ by acting according to his expected gender role. It was even harder trying to go on by conforming as a female.

Chanyeol felt tormented just putting himself in Baekhyun’s shoes. He could only hope that he will be of much help with completing Baekhyun’s transition. _Oh, yeah. The video_. He was so deep in thought, his camera had recorded his lengthy brooding moment.

“Might have to cut that part out… Where was I… Oh, yeah. Baekhyun’s comfortable not getting a bottom surgery, but I know he has been really troubled by the size of his chest. So. I am going to help him get there. It would mean a lot if you’d subscribe to this channel and maybe leave a like? I’m going to post a video of Baekhyun’s T update every month and probably a vlog every week. I also made a blog about our journey through the whole transition. I left the link in the description below. This video is probably less than 3 minutes. And Baekhyun would probably find this video soon after I post this.”

The blog Chanyeol mentioned in his video hadn’t had much content yet. Chanyeol had only posted pictures of the equipment they used for Baekhyun’s first T shot and his smiling face giving a thumbs up. Chanyeol also put a donation link there, but he wasn’t expecting a lot of donations from anyone. But he thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it there, in case someone was willing to help support them financially.

And so began the journey of Baekhyun’s life on T. Chanyeol had his video camera ready to document everything Baekhyun was going to go through in the next 12 months. Although weeks after Chanyeol posted the first video on his channel, Baekhyun found out about it when he was surfing the web for FTM video logs.

“I thought you were documenting my transition for personal use only.”

“I know you’re mad, but I think this can help us raise money for your top surgery.”

“I don’t want to beg money from anyone. I’ll graduate in 2 more years, get a job, and pay for it myself.”

“Maybe someone will be generous enough to donate?”

Baekhyun put on his ‘are you serious’ face. Even if there were people generous enough, it would take them years to get 7 million won.

“Look, we can educate people with your transition. It’s not all that bad, right? Or if you really don’t want me to post anymore videos, I’ll stop.”

Baekhyun thought of the pros and cons. Pros: educate people, reach out to other FTM people, get new friends abroad with the same condition, and help other people with their transition. Cons: … _Dammit._ He was opening up doors for Korean FTMs everywhere

“Wait. Don’t stop posting the videos. Do you provide Korean subtitles for the videos?”

“Yes, I have. Some even commented in one of the videos thanking us for making them more confident with their transitioning and stuff. We’re doing wonders, Baek.”

_You’re the one who’s doing wonders._ Baekhyun had wanted to say.

The testosterone reshaped Baekhyun’s body and he went through a second puberty causing him to have mood swings complemented by the growth of facial hair. Chanyeol felt like he was dating a teenage boy at times. Baekhyun’s height compared to his didn’t help either. People mistake them for brothers. Before Baekhyun could react, Chanyeol set the record out straight. He didn’t want Baekhyun to embarrass himself with his ‘teenage’ voice. It was considerably dropping to Baekhyun’s delight. He sounded like an agitated minor who couldn’t buy alcohol with a fake ID when he didn’t get what he wanted. Chanyeol marveled at his boyfriend’s process of being a fully grown man. Baekhyun’s puberty lasted way shorter than biologically males’. Sooner than Chanyeol had thought, Baekhyun had successfully passed as a man in public. Despite Baekhyun’s soft skin and distinctively feminine face structure, his jawline had showed prominently and his veins were more visible than before. Baekhyun’s hourglass figure was ‘replaced’ with a broader square shaped torso. With a shirt over his binder, no one could actually tell what was underneath it. Chanyeol’s friends recognized him as a male, nothing less. Baekbeom sent his regards as much as he could from abroad. He kept on apologizing to Baekhyun for not being present on the most important part of his transition. Baekhyun assured him that it was alright. Baekbeom was their most active subscriber on YouTube. He liked every one of their videos so far and posted comments.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun didn’t only post videos about Baekhyun’s transition, but their day to day life. Chanyeol posted a lot of videos of them doing covers of popular songs. They were soon known not only in the FTM YouTube community, but also trending worldwide. They weren’t aware of how much impact they had on people, nor did they realize they were very talented in singing. They gained thousands of subscribers overnight. A mischievous subscriber submitted one of their videos for SM Entertainment’s audition recruitment as a prank. Turns out, the company was very intrigued with the duo. They were aware that Baekhyun was a transgender and that Chanyeol was his partner. They thought it was time to set aside conventional norms and show the world what they had to offer.

Chanyeol almost peed in his pants when he saw the SM Entertainment channel comment on their video. It said that they were recruited as SM Entertainment Trainees. 

“Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun! Come see this!”

Chanyeol clicked reply and was ready to type an answer. He waited for his beloved boyfriend to join him from the bathroom.

“Baekhyun if you don’t come here right now I swear to God.”

“ _What_?” asked Baekhyun as he threw his still wet towel on his bed. He leaned over Chanyeol to see what he was fretting about and he too almost peed his pants. He squealed in delight and hugged Chanyeol from the back, choking him.

“Yeah, okay, Baek. Got it. You can let go now.”

Baekhyun giggled and released the poor Chanyeol, “Sorry… I got carried away.”

“Guess we won’t need to worry about how much your chest reconstruction costs after all, huh?”

“Yeah…”

That was how Baekhyun and Chanyeol got recruited for the popular South Korean Boy Group, Exo. The end. _Lol_.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave your review on LiveJournal. ♥


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